Just Who Am I?

Last night was my Best Friend's 35 birthday. Hard to believe that. I mean I remember our 30th Birthdays...heck I remember our 25th birthdays. How can be getting this old this fast? It seems unreal. I mean don't get me wrong, life as an adult is pretty cool. I don't love paying bills or aching bones, but there are definitely benefits.

I love having friends I know are truly friends. I not longer doubt the sincerity of my friendships, which is something I always struggled with when I was younger. Maybe it was because I moved around so much as an army brat. Maybe it was because I had such low self esteem. Maybe it was because I was disappointed by one too many friends. Whatever the reason I always felt the need to be "good enough" to be some one's friend. I needed to look pretty enough and be funny enough and act cool enough. It was exhausting. It is so nice to just be me and have people love me for that.

But who is "me"? It is a question I find myself pondering often of late. Last night for dinner we went to an Irish Pub complete with live Irish drinking music. I adored it. I was eating a big old hearty plate of food and bobbing my head to the music and it didn't even occur to me how MUCH I adored it till the girl across from me laughed and commented on  how much fun I was having. I admitted it was true, "My dorkiness is going to come out in all it's glory at a place like this."

The thing is that girl is a friend I had not seen in quite a long time. She was a friend from a time in my life when I would never have wanted anyone to think of me as a "dork". She is also an easy-going friend who doesn't care if I like Irish music or eating too much, but even if she hadn't been, I realized I didn't care. I was having fun, I was celebrating life - and particularly the life of my friend who is so important - and I just didn't care.

Later in the evening we did a total 180 and went to a club for a rock show. My BF's husband is in a band. A band I have a lot of ties with. See years ago, when I was so desperate to be seen as cool and hot and whatever else, I was a merch girl. This means I might as well have lived at clubs and/or rock shows. I stayed out late, I wore uncomfortable shoes and "sexy" clothes. I haven't done much of that lately. In fact it has been so long since I had gone to see a show like that I wondered how it would be. It was fun. I have to say, I adored that too. I was having fun, I was celebrating life and I just didn't care.

So I am not sure exactly "who" I am...am I a dork, am I rock-n-roller, am I a single parent, am I a librarian, am I a, am I a, am I a....? I think the answer is "yes". I am me. I do a lot of different things. I enjoy things that surprise people, sometimes that even surprise me. I no longer need to find that certain pigeon-hole and try to fit in it. That is not who I am. I am multi-faceted and way too big and old to fit into any one hole. I am just me. How great is that?

at the Pub with the Birthday Girl!